Friday, February 12, 2010

Duncan Plots “All-Natural” Turnaround Strategy

February 12, 2010 (GBN News): Education secretary Arne Duncan, looking to apply the lessons of Hurricane Katrina as well as those of the more recent disaster in Haiti, is developing a new “turnaround” strategy for American schools, according to sources at the USDOE. The Secretary, who recently said that that Katrina was the "best thing" to happen to the New Orleans schools, has reportedly been telling staffers that the key is to be proactive. “We can’t just sit around and wait for a disaster to happen to fix the schools,” Mr. Duncan was said to have told his top aides at a recent meeting. “We have to make one happen.”

Details of the Secretary’s plan have been cloaked in secrecy, but insiders told GBN News that Mr. Duncan recently met with NASA officials to determine the feasibility of diverting a “near Earth” asteroid towards failing schools. The Secretary was also said to have emailed the US Army Corps of Engineers to ask if, when the unusually large snow pack melts this spring, the resultant flooding can be directed towards other such schools.

While the Corps of Engineers reportedly rebuffed Mr. Duncan’s overture (“Destroying stuff in order to save it went out with Vietnam”, he was told), rumors of the Secretary's other plans have sent shock waves through a number of major US school systems. But education officials in New York were not concerned. “He won’t target us,” said a source at the NY City DOE, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We’ve already got Joel Klein and Mayor Bloomberg. There’s no natural disaster on the planet that can top their track record in destroying public schools.”